Interpersonal Clearing & Forgiveness
A step-by-step meditation to re-open your heart toward someone it’s closed to.
This was originally written for former spouses and other interpersonal traumas but can be helpful for anyone you’re feeling closed to or hold any amount of ill will toward. With this in mind, be present to what seems to apply and let the rest go. The written version, below the audio links, is for working with a proxy or therapist (which I recommend) and also includes some additional and very helpful reading.
Recordings - 1. Introduction 2. Clearing
Written Version
…if you’d like to read along, or instead of listening.
Background
Emotional pain often arises not from actual events in a relationship, but rather from how you interpret those events.
Clearing out emotional wounds, in this sense means questioning your interpretation.
For instance...
Is this what I think it is?
Did he or she intend to leave me feeling as I do?
Am I as powerless or less than as this has left me feeling?
etc.
Taking this further, we’re either looking for the evidence of love or looking for the evidence of its absence.
In this sense, there are only two possibilities as you consider an interpersonal wound:
1) Love exists in this relationship- somehow, somewhere and this is what I’m looking for and open to, or…
2) Love does not exist and can not, nor will it ever exist in this relationship.
Possibility number 1 usually works out better.
It’s easy to interpret someone’s actions or words as evidence that you’re unlovable or not good enough, but it’s important to see that this is usually just something we make up in our heads. Hence, the a need for this kind of clearing meditation.
How to use this
Consider someone you feel angry with, hurt by, or let down by. This can be a current or ongoing issue with a loved one or a deep and ancient wound with someone from your past—someone you feel estranged from or are struggling to forgive.
Once you’ve determined who you’re communicating with, complete the steps below, ideally having your therapist work with you and a proxy (someone representing the person you’re clearing with). If that’s not possible, you could just listen to the recording, pausing it from time to time.
Note that each section will have varied degrees of application to you and the relationship you're working on.
As with any Breakthrough meditation, you may want to pray for guidance and presence of mind and heart before starting.
1) Blame to Pain
With the person you’re “clearing” with in mind, speaking to this person’s spirit (so to speak) or a proxy, describe what happened or what was said or done and how you interpreted it, or how you ended up feeling, or what you still sometimes feel.
For example,
“When you ________________” (describe what was said or done), “where I went with it (or go with it) is that I felt ___________” …for example, dismissed, abandoned, ashamed, hopeless, not safe, lost, less-than, not good enough, etc., or whatever else comes to you.
2) Check-In
Ask yourself, “Is it possible that I’ve overlapped this person or event with some earlier trauma?”
How so? What else has happened in your life, and with who, that left you feeling like this?
Then ask, “Is it possible that what I’ve ended up believing about myself in connection with this, just isn’t true?”
3) Hidden Message of Love
Ask, “Could there be, in this person's behavior, a hidden message of love?”
Ideally, allow whatever answer comes to you just all by itself.
If nothing comes, consider the list below or any variation. Let your mind stretch- because just looking for a possibility of love, in even the most distant or abstract sense tends to open your heart.
For instance,
➡️ If someone is defensive, could the hidden message of love be “I need your love and approval and I will fight for it, or fight with you for it.”
➡️ If someone is obstinate, could the hidden message of love be: “I need to feel self-determined, whole & free. If I am the one choosing in my life then I feel like I can choose to love you.”
➡️ If someone is inconsiderate, could the hidden message of love be: “I’m afraid. I’m alone. I don’t feel good enough for anyone’s love. I’m lost in my own needs. I want to break through from my isolation and come through for you. Please be patient and encouraging. I love you.”
➡️ If someone is critical, dismissive, or invalidating, could the hidden message of love be “I need to count on you. My world is scary and scattered enough without having to deal with your fears and faults. I need (or needed) you to be a safe place so I can (or could) keep myself together enough to give the love I want to give (to you and/or others in my life).”
➡️ If someone is angry, could the hidden message of love be: “I feel out of control or threatened. Because I trust you and love you more than anyone, you are who I feel the most let down by and get angry at the most. I wouldn’t be this angry if I didn’t have this much love.”
➡️ If someone is apathetic (checked out), could the hidden message be: “I’m hurt, discouraged & lost. I don’t know how to find my way back. I want to love again. I want you to love me again. Please find me so I can come back to you. I love you.”
4) Compassion
This is a modified version of Harry Palmer’s “Compassion Process.”
Instructions:* With the person you’re clearing with in mind, state the 5 expressions below out loud.
”____________ (person’s name)
Just like me, you’ve been seeking some happiness in your life.
Just like me, you’ve been trying to avoid suffering.
Just like me, you’ve known sadness, loneliness & despair.
Just like me, you’ve struggled to fulfill your needs in a positive, win-win way.
Just like me, you’re learning about life.”
✋🏼 You may feel complete with this clearing sequence at this point. If not, go to the next step.
5) Bottom Line
Experiencing someone as not having been there for you (or not being there for you) in the way you needed (or need) can cause feelings of fear, disconnection, insignificance, or unworthiness. These are often the real issues (not his or her misbehavior).
You may have articulated some of these fears in Step 1 (Blame to Pain), but take some time now to more fully address this.
Talking directly to the person you’re clearing with, in your mind or with a proxy, complete this statement - ”What I really needed from was _______ “ or ”What I really need from you is ________” and then whatever comes to you.
Additionally, consider some of the following, allowing whichever phrases resonate to have a place in your heart for a moment. You may want to use some of these phrases 2 or 3 times. So start by addressing this person by name, and then….
“What I really need (or needed) from you is (or was) ______.”
➡️ acceptance
➡️ patience
➡️ appreciation
➡️ for you to listen, and validate my feelings
➡️ trust and connection (vs. distrust and separation)
➡️ encouragement
➡️ loyalty
➡️ to know you'll never leave me
➡️ to feel respected
➡️ for you to feel proud of me
➡️ tenderness and affection
➡️ to feel like a priority
✋🏼 You may feel complete with this clearing sequence at this point. If not, go on to the next step.
6) ReFrame
Now that you've expressed some of your feelings to this person, consider reframing the experience you’ve been thinking about or the hurt you’re struggling with by receiving the apology that resides in this person’s real (but perhaps lost) self.
If you’re using a proxy, you may want to point to the responses you need to hear. What would this person say, or want to say in his or her real self?
Starting by hearing this person say your name in your mind, or having your proxy say your name, consider some of these possibilities and, depending on your situation, making a place in your heart for whichever ones resonate:
___________ (Your name)
1. “It’s me” or “I hear you.”
2. “What was really going on with me was (or is) ________” (whatever comes to you or through your proxy).
3. “I understand what you’re saying (or feeling).”
4. “I think I always did.”
5. “I want to love you so much better” or “I wanted to love you so much more.”
6. “I’m so sorry. I’ve been (or was) so lost and confused- so afraid. Please forgive me.”
7. “I went into so much darkness, and I couldn’t seem to get out.”
8. “I pointed it all at you.”
9. "I let you down. I let you down so badly. I see this now. I know this.”
10. “I made you feel less-than, disregarded, like nothing.”
11. “I wanted so much to come through for you, but I didn’t.”
12. “So listen now, please. This is the real me now. I have always loved you. That was never the question.” [In severe cases,
”There just wasn’t much of me left to love you or come through for you. I was gone and I didn’t know how to find my way back.”]
13. “But the truth is, since the moment I first saw you, I loved you, and I will always love you. How could I not!?”
Note (especially in severe situations) there are two possibilities, and both are real...
There is the him or her that truly let you down- a scoundrel, a narcissist, a self-centered brat, an abusive monster in some cases. There is also the real man, or woman, who at least (at some level) wanted to come through for you- to love you, to make you feel protected, respected, cherished, and loved (or if you're married, who still wants to).
He or she is in there, to some small degree (and if you're currently married perhaps to a very large degree).
So as you hear this person (in your mind) ask for your forgiveness, or as your proxy asks for your forgiveness (or as you hear whoever you’re talking to in your mind apologize), what will you choose to be real? Because however you choose to see the past is how you will tend to create the future.
With this in mind, consider these two questions, questions that perhaps live inside this person’s real self - questions that in most cases this person needs to ask and that you perhaps need to hear:
Question 1 is “Please, could you forgive me?”
and Question 2, “Will you forgive me?”
The choice is yours. How you see the past and the love you choose to look for and see, or refuse to see, will tend to shape how you create your future.
7) Remember
To whatever degree seems appropriate, given your history with the person you’re clearing with, connect with the genuine sorrow that could be present in this person’s real but, in some cases, lost self. Again, this visualization isn’t always applicable or appropriate, but if you sense it is, and if you sense this person’s sorrow, see him or her now, kneeling in front of you.
Put your right hand on your heart.
Picture this person putting his or her right hand on your right hand.
Then listen, in your mind and heart to what the real him or her (even if now still lost), might finally say to you in this moment:
“One day in the arms of the Savior, we will know completely, what we’ve struggled to know here. But until that day, all I want from you is to remember me as loving you.
Remember.” *
8) Receive and acknowledge this person’s apology
i.e. “I hear you and as God has forgiven me, I forgive you.”
Extra: “I can only imagine what you were going through or what you’ve been going through.”
9) Look for yourself as the cause
Accountability occurs in hundreds of layers. Even the seemingly cleanest home, if inspected closely, reveals this amazing phenomenon - Blame, victim, compromise, and self-deception are hiding in the closets, the attic- all over the place. They are hiding on you!
Some time ago, my boy Geoffrey was walking through a lobby to one of our meetings. He walked by a coffee table and accidentally stepped on a little creamer that someone had dropped. This created an instant mess.
Rather than saying “why aren’t people more careful?”, he said to himself “I did that” and got some towels to clean it up. He explained later, as he reveled in the afterglow, that this one simple moment struck him as the way he wanted to live his life i.e. “I did that.”
Consider the power and freedom in this question “how did I do this?” or, as the apostles put it, “Lord is it I?” Consider the power and freedom of looking for and noticing how you created this or contributed to it.
When we fully address the “beam in our own eye”, we will be rid of our upset, story and reaction to the speck of dust in our loved one’s eye. Once rid of our powerless or victim story, navigating through differences and finding mutually acceptable solutions is so much easier.
Instructions In your mind or with a proxy, apologize to the person you’re clearing with. Apologize for whatever you can- whatever you are inspired to apologize for.
You could use the list below if needed. You may want to finish each phrase or every several phrases with, “I’m sorry” or “I’m sorry I did this” or “I’m sorry I was like this” etc., or not, depending on your inspiration.
So now, as I read each possibility, let whichever ones resonates with you be present in your heart for a moment.
➡️ I chose to blame you for anything and everything.
➡️ I’ve been self-absorbed. I have been insensitive. I have been impatient
➡️ I’ve treated you in a careless or abusive way.
➡️ I failed to share my feelings of hurt, fear, or vulnerability with you & emotionally withdrew.
➡️ I chose to point my frustrations, fears, and unhappiness at you.
➡️ I failed to peacefully communicate & instead, chose blame, negativity &/or withdrawal.
➡️ I allowed myself to continue to feel uncomfortable with _______ (keep details just in your mind).
➡️ In my unwillingness to make sure things work for me too, I have built up some resentment.
➡️ I’ve been unwilling to get clear with myself about what my boundaries are.
➡️ I’ve wanted your approval more than I wanted my own self-respect.
➡️ I chose to not appreciate you and to take you for granted.
➡️ Instead of celebrating our blessings I have chosen to fuel my disappointments.
➡️ I have been more committed to my story of how you have wronged me, than I am committed to you.
➡️ I chose to disconnect from your love, get defensive, and imagine you were out to get me.
➡️ I’ve chosen to be lazy and this has led to a whole string of problems.
➡️ I’ve been inconsistent about doing the things that keep a good feeling between us.
➡️ Instead of letting you know how proud I am of you, I’ve given you my disappointment.
➡️ I have failed to put you first, take care of your needs & do my best to make you happy.
➡️ I’ve been wanting you to see the error of your ways and to apologize to me.
➡️ I haven’t clearly asked for what I need and/or been encouraging when you try to give it.
➡️ Through not living inside my boundaries, I’ve supported your aggression and abuse.
➡️ I have viewed you as the source of my feelings of abandonment, and not being enough.
➡️ I’ve set you up, the best I can, to affirm my greatest fear, that is, that I don’t matter.
➡️ Without realizing it, I’ve pushed you into proving that I’m unlovable & not enough.
10) Ho'oponopono
“Ho’oponopono”, an ancient Hawaiian healing ritual, is so effective that Joe Vitalie wrote a whole book about it called “Zero Limits.” Even if you don’t read the book, the basic process is outlined below.
With the person you’re clearing with, in your mind’s eye, say:
[Person’s name]. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.
The key to this is to be fully present to these words, repeating the 4 phrases as many times as you feel to.
11) Helpful, Additional Reading
Credits:
Special thanks to the very brilliant Gary Acevedo for “Remember” and for his inspiration on “Hidden Message of Love.”
For one one-on-one breakthrough training, schedule an appointment with John or email narellecanaan@gmail.com.