Gratitude +
“You can habitually look at what is not there in your relationship, at your disappointments, and fill your mind with thoughts of irritation, hurt, and contempt. (But), If you can learn to think empathetically rather than negatively about what your spouse is going through, and maintain your admiration for your spouse's good qualities, you will not be plagued with overwhelming distress.” - Dr. John Gottman
Journaling (“100 things + General Gratitude) is a major part of rewiring parts of your brain that are keeping your from a great marriage.
Part 1 - 100 Things
Train your mind away from reactivity, agenda, disappointment etc. back to your real self, the you that loves the person you married.
1a) Create a journal in an actual notebook or on your phone.
1b) List 100 things you… like, or love, or admire, or respect, or appreciate, or that makes you proud of your spouse.
The end game for this is a list of 100 things you love, like, admire, respect, or appreciate about your spouse (or something that makes you proud of him or her).
It’s an interesting thing: The more you look for what you appreciate, the more you will begin to see. The more that appears, the deeper still is your appreciation. The “100 things” list isn't just a chance to express gratitude for your spouse. It’s an opportunity to raise your entire level of existence, opening your eyes and heart and begin feeling a joy that only can come in gratitude and appreciation.
Here are the options again:
-love, or
-like, or
-admire, or
-respect, or
-appreciate, or
-something that makes you proud of him or her.
1c) Each time you make an entry in your “100 things” journal, take a moment to text this to your spouse. This could be every day, or every few days, depending on the rate you’re going.
1d) Memorize the top 3 to 10 items in your list and, from time to time, think about how much harder life would be without these positives in your spouse. When you find yourself following a critical train of thought about your mate, use elements from the list to interrupt your thinking. Make a habit of this process and the change can be dramatic.” (John Gottman, p.183)
Part 2 - General Gratitude & Breakthroughs
Create another section in your journal for general gratitude and/or breakthroughs.
For example, “I came to understand the importance of listening today when for once, I sat down next to my spouse and just listened. It was awesome”, or ”I’ve been getting so much more done lately by using my habit tracker” or “I feel so blessed that we were able to have all the kids over for dinner last night. They are so fun!” etc.
Make a goal, independent and following your “100 Things” list, on how many days a week you’ll write in your gratitude journal.