5 Centering Questions

💙 What am I willing to do? …("Pro action question") - This question is my "get out of victim jail card" and brings me "back into my body"- back to my own business (my choices)- not his or hers.

💙 What am I not willing to do, or endure? What am I not comfortable with? What doesn't work for me? This is the "Self Honesty and Self-determination Question" - assisting me in noting where he or she ends and I begin- to experience myself as a distinct and separate person with a willingness to love my neighbor as myself. This question heals me from the illusion of helplessness, returns me to a sense of self-determination and even further out of my victim story.

💙 What do I feel would be the best for everyone, including me? …(the "Win Win" Question) often including a cost/benefit analysis as I review the first 2 questions now through this lens. This question, especially, creates balance and wisdom and opens my heart to win win possibilities.

💙 What am I not seeing? ...(the "Revelation Question"). What am I not seeing, even in this very moment, as I'm asking this? What's another way of looking at this? (This question invites a more complete view of the situation- moving you away from limited thinking toward even more possible solutions).

💙 What do I want? or What would I like to see happen? (This is the "Perspective Question"- instilling a deeper look at and awareness of your life goals visions). The other 4 questions are viewed through this lens.

Example:

Recently one of my clients felt run down regarding statements from her husband she felt were accusing. The example below are the results of her working through the 5 questions. These questions can take you anywhere. This is just one example. The point is to get yourself back in your body, end your squawking, free you from victim jail and deliver you to whatever actions you feel best about. Note that working through these questions isn’t necessarily a way to get what you want. It’s simply a way to keep you at peace while you address interpersonal challenges. Here’s what my client communicated to her husband.

”I'm willing to hear your feelings- your experience- your fears- even what you’re afraid might be true. I'm not willing to hear what you are insisting is “the truth” (in terms of your accusations).

What you can expect from me if you say something even non-verbally that feels like an accusation- even if it isn't, is that I'll get some time out at my sister’s for about 24 hours.

I’ll say something like, "things don't seem to be working right now (or it seems like there's some confusion). I'm going to get some time out. I'll be back in 24 hours." The exception to this is writing a request in my “Request List”, doing some breakthrough work and asking God to help me forgive you. If I go this direction I’ll most likely text you about how close I am to getting some time-out.

I sincerely hope and pray we can both learn to honestly address our fears with each other, talk things through and feel the safety that comes in a respectful, peaceful relationship."