Love Seat - Full Version
Welcome Aboard
Love Seat - Full version, unlike Articles of Peace toward a Peaceful Conversation, is a structured conversation- including exercises. Set aside from 30 to 60 minutes. Ideally, go through the steps as outlined. If inspired, however, skip sections (for now), and/or change the order- notably switching Part 3 (Accountability) with Part 2 (Sharing).
You could navigate the order (i.e. Part 2 or Part 3 first), using these links:
Part 1 (Prep) - Part 2 (Sharing) - Part 3 (Accountability) - Part 4 (Resolve)
Click here to the right for Simple Love-Seat or Articles of Peace.
1️⃣ Part 1 - Prep
✔ 1) Partner A - Pre Flight Check List
Partner “A” is the person bringing the issue and/or the request.
Pre-Love Seat Prep
a) ___ Pre-breakthrough work i.e. a walk, journaling*, praying etc. (Click here fore more ideas).
b) ___ Determination that this is one specific issue vs. two, three, all bunched up.
c) ___ U.S.A. request planned (Unloaded, Specific, Affirmative).
* Journal for a few minutes.
Ask yourself: “Regarding this issue, what is it I’m feeling (or have been feeling)?” or “With respect to these troubled or upset feelings...what is it that I want?” or “What is it that I’m missing in my relationship that could create more security, safety and intimacy?”
___ Optional “Shame filter thinner” prepared and/or planned.
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Everyone seems to have a built in “shame filter” which prohibits him or her from hearing what you’re actually saying, so that no matter what you’re sharing, he or she will only hear “bad dog. BAD DOG!” and will conclude, “I’m an idiot. I don’t deserve love and I should be taken out back and shot.”
Back rub, favorite food prepared, a walk through nature, holding hands while doing Loveseat, doing Loveseat in a sauna, or holding your spouses' hands (yours under his or her’s) during “Ownership” reading (below).
Any of these actions can thin your spouses' seeming impenetrable wall of shame and defensiveness. Note: that "Shame" is "I'll never be good enough for your love." Defensiveness is "I must destroy the evidence of my unworthiness."
Note, in general, food, comfort, environment, all to toward creating a wider path into your spouses' heart. According to some of Nate Christensen's research, there's a significantly higher chance of a Judge granting someone parole right after they eat lunch, vs. right before. (Great tip for any couple). Nate also points out that if you're sitting on a hard, uncomfortable chair you are more likely to rate the person you're listening to less positively. Keep this in mind.
d) Personal mantra check-in:
I recognize that this Loveseat is not a tool to assist me in venting. It is also not a tool to assist me in getting my loved one to change. Loveseat is to increase mutual accountability and to assist my loved one and me in finding our way back to each other’s hearts.
___ Yes ___No (If "Yes", you're ready for the next step, “Enrollment”).
2) Enrollment
"Partner A" enrolls partner B Most Loveseats occur during Weekly Inventory, so you already have a space provided for it. If you haven’t done a Weekly Inventory lately or just feel this needs immediate attention, you could say something like, “There’s something I need to talk about. Could we do a Loveseat?” and/or “When would be a good time?” or “Is this a good time to talk without distractions?”
A safer alternative to the above could be to print some sort of Loveseat image or card and place it on the kitchen counter, or bathroom, or hand it to spouse with flowers and/or cookies.
Note: If your partner says "What's it about?" you could tell him or her, but this usually doesn't work out. It's better to say, "If it's O.K. I think I'd rather tell you once we sit down and take some time to talk” and/or “If this isn’t a good time we can come back to this. When would be a good time?”
3) Shame Filter Option
Note: Shame Filter isn't necessary but is often deeply recommended. (See above for more on “Shame Filter.”)
Partner A (partner bringing the issue) implements any shame filter “thinning” you’re inspired to provide before or during Loveseat. (Read about "Shame Filter" above)
If nothing else, just reading the “ownership” prelude (below) increases your sense of peace, while reducing your partner’s potential shame, resistance or defensiveness. Please allow the words to find their way fully into your heart as you read it.
2️⃣ Part 2 - Sharing
4) Ownership & Headline
1) Partner A reads "Ownership" (in parenthesis) to Partner B:
“Let me first say that this is about me. It’s about my insecurities, my defensiveness, my self-doubt and dependency. It always is. My upset is always about me. It’s about me trying to piece together a sense of security and confidence and a deeper connection to you. Thank you for helping me.”
2) Partner A gives headline with empathy (A tool from Emil Harker).
"What I wanted to talk about is __________ (Example:" that we don't have very much us-time” etc.)
“I realize that from your side of this, _________________ (i.e. “you’re overwhelmed and/or committed to trying to provide for us” etc. whatever comes to you. Dig in deep to get on his or her side of the court.)
So thanks for talking to me about this. I love you and I love taking our marriage to a new level by talking through stuff like this. Thank you."
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You may feel inspired to reverse these steps and go to the accountability steps first before sharing what might be received as a military assault. Our minds often require much persuasion to bypass this state of blame and victim.
Building a bridge to your spouse’s heart, seeing his or her point of view and creating solutions is more intuitive inside the contrite realm of accountability, “personal feedback” etc. If you’re swimming pretty deep in your “I’ve been wronged” story, you may want to go to these steps first, then comeback to sharing your concerns or request.
5) Switching Shoes
This can assist Partner B (the listener) toward a receiving frame of mind and at the same time, assist Partner A in experiencing his or her spouse as at least trying to be get in his shoes right out of the gate.
Partner B gets in Partner A's shoes
Use any or all of these:
😓 "My best guess as to what you're feeling (or what you've been feeling) is ______________________"
😓 "My guess is that it makes you a little crazy that I ____________________________________"
😓 "My best guess is that what you would love for me to do or do more of is ___________________"
Partner A is encouraging (without commentary or conversation) i.e.
😀 "Thank you. Yes, that's really close to how I'm feeling" or
😀 "Thank you so much for really trying to get how I feel. I'll explain more but for now, thank you."
6) Sharing &/or Clarification
Tips For Person Sharing (Partner "A")
1) Focus on one issue. Don't pull out your gunny sack.
2) Speak tentatively vs. judgmentally or conclusively. Example: “When you were sitting outside yesterday, it seemed like you were mad at me. You may not have been. But this is what I was experiencing inside my head.” etc.
3) Focus on your feelings vs. your spouses poor performance or character weakness (A list is provided below to help you find the words).
4) Please consider your spouses efforts to hear you as good enough! (He or she gets an "A", no matter what).
Tips For Listener (Partner "B")
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Your sole (and soul) objective is to hear and understand your partner vs. defend, critique, check out, or bathe in feelings of shame or not-good-enough.
As fun as any of this might be, your goal is listening to understand. Isn’t this a glorious moment?
So hard to listen sometimes, I know, when the person you’re talking to just doesn’t get how right you are 😇. But do your very best to leave your world and enter his or hers. When someone feels understood, it can soothe an ocean of hurt.
🌎 Of course your partner’s experience of things can be very different from yours. But let go of your commitment to what’s actually true or not true and let what your partner is sharing light the path to taking better care of him or her.
💙 Also, especially note that Part 2 (“Sharing”) isn’t to solve the issue. You’ll do that in Part 4.
1) Don’t make your partner wrong. Validate his or her experience or feelings, whether you agree or not. (You’ll have a turn to clarify and/or share your perspective, but when listening and validating, listen and validate).
2) Stay with the conversation vs. your story. i.e. “O.K. You’re right. I’m an idiot. I always will be. Why do I even try?!
3) Listen and seek to understand - Consider the following… • Mm-hmm (or, just listen) • What I hear you saying is _______ (paraphrase what you hear) • Have I got it? • Is that it? • That makes sense • I think I get what you’re saying • What does (or did) that feel like? • Tell me more about ______ or • Tell me more about why this is important to you • I can understand how you’d feel that way.
Partner A goes first - Shares &/or Seeks Clarification - Partner B Listens
“When you _____________, where I or go with it (or went with it) is that I feel (or felt) ________" (see possibilities below) or "It seems (or seemed) like ____________" (description, from your point of view i.e.)
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Consider 2 or 3 of any of the following: • abandoned • like I’m not a priority • I don’t count • cornered •I can’t win • suffocated • I don’t feel safe • useless • Inferior • embarrassed • guilty • controlled • incapable • helpless • heartbroken • insecure • overwhelmed • Ignored • forgotten • forsaken • lonely • discouraged • paralyzed • ashamed • powerless • despair •lost • afraid • untrusted •untrustworthy • let down controlled • I’m not good enough • a sense of loss • anxious • grief or grieved • anguish • panicked • rejected • desperate •scared • threatened • humiliated • like I’m nothing
💜 Partner “A” or “B”, if inspired, request or offer clarification at anytime (more about this in green + below):
Requesting clarification: "Tell me about this from your point of view" or "So what's going on with you about this?"
This can be a helpful question because a) things are may not as bad as they seem and b) Judgement closes your spouses heart. Seeking clarification opens it.
Providing clarification: “Could I give some clarification on this?”…not defense, not excuse, not justification (things that will your partner feel even worse) - just clarification- things that will make your partner feel better- including, if inspired, a brief apology and a plan going forward. [Note that there will be another chance to apologize later*,* so you could keep this brief.]
Partner “B” Shares &/or Seeks Clarification - Partner “A” Listens
In other words, switch directions: Starting at 7b, down the path again with “B” sharing and “A” listening.
Note: Partner “B” sharing is optional. Sometimes one direction is good enough- sometimes both is better. You decide.
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Your conversation can be a tapestry of understanding and clarification (as inspired). You may be inspired to just listen- to let your partner bleed it all out before jumping in with any clarification.
At other times, you may be inspired to gently interrupt a downward spiral into an abyss of fears and doubt by asking for or providing needed clarification, assurance, love and even an apology. There’s no standard process for this section other than going by the spirit.
Please note that there’s a difference between providing clarification and just being defensive- a not so fine line between justification or excuse on one side and clarification & apology on the other.
Consider your motives. Partner B (listener) If your motive is to protect your self esteem, better just keep listening. If your motive is to heal your spouse’s heart, you may be inspired to offer some clarification.
Partner A (person sharing), If your motive is to remain entrenched in your victim story, don't bother asking for clarification. If you're open to things being different than they seem, ask i.e. "So what was going on for you with all of this?"
3️⃣ Part 3 - Accountability
5a) Accountability Pool
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A major dimension of “Love Seat” is freeing your brain, the best you can, from flight, flight, blame, victim and judgement. This will open your heart to the creative communication necessary to solve the issue as we go forward (otherwise you can easily get stuck).
As counter-intuitive as it seems to dig deep into accountability (vs. staying with your side of the issue), trust in the resolve this will ultimately create. Blame and judgment close communication toward creative solutions. Accountability opens it up.
Also note that you should avoid conversation in the "Accountability Pool." Why is this? When you say something out loud, without a lot of back story or much explanation, it sort of sits whatever you've said out on the table in front of you to dry.
It might remain damp for a while, but once stated, it's no longer sopping in your stories, protectiveness or fears.
Conversation around what you sate sort of keeps it in your head. But the "Accountability Pool" is to merge your heart and mind into the same place and out on the table to dry, or in other words, to allow excuse, justification and blame (what your heart's been drenched in) to dry out in the very act of stating what you are willing to see you've created.
Drying out from your blame and judgements will build bridges between you and free up the emotional space needed to develop solutions later. 😀
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Starting with Partner A, ping pong style- using the sentence starters (below), and/or Helpful Possibilities. Go until both partners feel complete. After first partner says “I'm complete with this” the other partner either says “I'm complete also” or, "keep going", until both have said “I'm complete with this.”
Please do not comment on your partner’s accounting. As much as possible keep your eyes up, into partner’s eyes (not this document). Please use both starters (in green). Note that you can say some of the same things your spouse lists if it fits.
Accountability Sentence Starters
"How I've created this was (or is) ________________," and/or
What I've contributed to this is (or was) _______________."
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1. I've been self absorbed.
2. I've been insensitive.
3. I've been impatient.
4. I've been careless.
5. I’ve been controlling.
6. I failed to share my feelings of hurt or vulnerability with you & emotionally withdrew.
7. I’ve been blaming you for my failures and/or I’ve been blaming you for *our* failures.
8. I’ve been blaming you for my unhappiness.
9. I’ve been blaming you for everything.
10. I’ve been pointing my frustrations, fears and unhappiness at you.
11. I failed to create peaceful communication & instead, ambushed, blamed & open fired.
12. I allowed myself to continue to feel uncomfortable with __________.
13. I've expected you to be different than you are (**or** more like me) and failed to fully grasp how wonderful you are- ***just as*** you are.
14. I made you wrong and didn’t (or wouldn’t) understand and validate your feelings.
15. In my unwillingness to make sure things work for me too, I have built up resentment.
16. I’ve wanted your approval more than I wanted my own self respect.
17. I've not been appreciative for you and what you do. I’ve taken you for granted.
18. I’ve been committed to my story about how you’ve wronged me or not appreciated me.
19. I've convinced myself that you care more about yourself than me and disconnected from you.
20. I’ve been undisciplined in my own personal life, which has put me in a bad mood.
21. I've been inconsistent about doing the things that keep a good feeling between us.
22. Instead of letting you know how proud I am of you, I’ve given you my disappointment.
23. I have failed to put you first, take care of your needs & do my best to make you happy.
24. I’ve been wanting you to see the error of your ways and to apologize to *me*.
25. I haven’t been clear in what I need from you or encouraging when you try to give it.
26. Through my lack of boundaries, I’ve supported behavior that doesn’t work for me.
27. I have viewed you as the source of my feelings of abandonment &/or of not feeling like I’m *enough*.
28. I’ve set you up to prove what I’m most afraid of- that in the end, I will not be loved.
29. I’ve pushed you into abandoning me, or to concluding that I’ve abandoned you.
30. I’m creating enmity through my labels, judgments & stories about you (and others).
Notes:
A) You can repeat anything that carries more weight* for you.B) If your spouse invites it (or clears it) when it’s his or her turn, you could point to ones you want him or her to consider saying, which he can say, or not (or something like it) if it resonates at all.
*”weight”, meaning some statements feel "juicier" than others. You may want to repeat these in to extract even more accountability juice from them.
7) Personal Feedback
Personal Feedback is looking in on yourself (sort of sitting across from yourself in a room) and reporting on what you see.
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Just looking for how you've contributed (#5) and for how you're showing up (#6) tends to open your heart and your spouses and to heal your relationship. Although your observation of yourself can include positives, the focus is to drill down into negative aspects of your behavior or attitude, in an effort to fully own what you create.
The sentence starter for this is something like: "My experience of myself in all of this is (or has been) _____________" or ”How I get myself is _____________” or “How I’ve been acting is ______________” etc.
Take turns with this, going back and forth. You'll want at least a couple of passes of this*.*
Please do not comment on your spouse's feedback of himself or herself i.e. "That's for sure!!" Just listen. Also, try not to smile too much like the woman in the green shirt (below) if your spouse goes in for some pretty nitty gritty feedback of him or her self.
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"I've been really closed off, stubborn, unwilling to see your point of view, brittle, impatient, ignoring you, blaming” etc. or "I get myself as uptight, controlling, reactive, petty, distrusting, suspicious etc. It almost seems like I'm looking to be disappointed etc.
8) Marriage Mirror (optional)
Work with your coach &/or journal the answer to one or both of these questions:
1) How are my spouse's fears a mirror my own fears? &/or
2) How are my spouses flaws (whatever you’re addressing) a mirror of my own?
9) Identify Your Collusion (your "Death Dance")
1) Partner A Without implicating your spouses poor performance or character flaws, describe (or bottom line) where this all lands for you by completing the sentence below. Allow yourself to fully feel what’s underneath this whole issue for you and in so doing, to begin letting God heal it:
“In connection with this issue, what I’m most concerned about (or afraid of , or have been concerned about or afraid of) is ________________.” EXAMPLES: “that I will never fully be loved”, or “letting down our kids”, or “having to leave our home”, or” not being close to my family”, “that I’ll never be good enough for you to love me”, “dying alone” etc.
If inspired, your bottom line fear and/or concern up to 2 more times, just to let it ring in your heart for a moment.
2) Partner B’s Response: Anything close to… “I understand. Thank you for sharing this.” (Please avoid other comments.)
3) Partner B Shares (Reverse directions on steps 1 & 2 above).
4) Journal (or share in real time with your coach) a non-judgmental version of your collusion (your downward spiral or "Death Dance") i.e.
• The more you _____, the more I _____
• The more I _____, the more (or less) you _____
• The more you _____, the less (or more) I _____ and/or
• ...which makes me (or you) act out by _______
• which makes you (or me) feel _______ etc.
or...
• When you _______ I tend to think or feel _______
• which makes me act out by _______
• which makes you feel _______ etc.
Partner A - End with some thing like - “That’s my take on our collusion. What’s yours?”
Notice that you will have different descriptions. Use this opportunity to understand each other's worlds better.
Example (using non-judgmental descriptions):
• The more time you spend in your office at home, the more ignored I feel.
• The more ignored I feel, the more I tend to see you as not caring.
• The more I see you as not caring, the more I treat you disrespectfully.
• The more I treat you disrespectfully, the less desire you have to come out of your office.
• The less you come out of your office, the more angry I become and the more disrespectfully I treat you.
10) OPTIONAL - Rewrite History (in a good way)
Couples Coach Natalie Clay suggests that our fixed interpretation of our spouse’s actions (or of our relationship) can be a major block toward building bridges between our hearts. For instance, “When you tell your Mother about our personal problems, it shows me that you don’t trust that we can work it out ourselves. It proves to me that you don’t trust me.”
Consider the 3 questions below. Take a minute to journal possible answers, then share your answers with your spouse.
1) What is a negative conclusion (or interpretation) I’ve held at about my spouse and/or our marriage? i.e.
He/she doesn’t care about me, otherwise he would (or wouldn’t) _______.
He/she doesn’t value me, otherwise she would (or wouldn’t)______.
He/she doesn’t understand my needs (and/or doesn’t seem to want to), otherwise he would (or wouldn’t) _______.
He/she doesn’t seem to want to make me happy, otherwise he would (or wouldn’t) _______.
He/she isn’t committed, otherwise he would (or wouldn’t) _______.
He/she only thinks of him or her self, otherwise he would (or wouldn’t) _______.
He/she doesn’t put our family first, otherwise he would (or wouldn’t) _______.
He/she can’t be trusted, otherwise he would (or wouldn’t) _______.
He/she is unsafe (a bomb that could go off any moment), otherwise he would (or wouldn’t) _______.
We aren’t a very good match, otherwise he would (or wouldn’t) _______.
We don’t seem be committed as a couple, otherwise he would (or wouldn’t) _______.
We don’t even seem to like each other.
etc.
2) Is this true? (Multiple choice. We suggest b, c, or d, but you decide)
a. Yes
b. No
c. Maybe
d. Maybe not
3) What evidence do I have that the opposite could be true?
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He can’t be trusted?
Evidence that the opposite could be true:
He doesn’t tell the truth because he doesn’t want a confrontation that could threaten our relationshipShe only thinks of herself?
Evidence that the opposite could be true:
She is diligent to her self-care vs. perhaps taking better care of me, because down deep she knows it’s the only way she’ll it in her to care for me.We’re not a very good match? Evidence that the opposite could be true:
In a way, the fact that we’re so different …
a) makes things interesting
b) helps us grow and
c) creates complementing strengths.She’s a bomb that could go off any moment?
Evidence that the opposite could be true:
Her anger is the evidence of her deep and soulful commitment. She will do or say whatever it takes to keep us on track. She chooses anger rather that withdrawing, which shows how committed she is (in the end) to loving me.Note, according to Natalie Clay, even extreme challenges like pornograph can be reviewed in this search for opposites i.e.
His pornography addiction proves that he can’t be trusted and doesn’t care about me.
Evidence that the opposite could be true:
a) His turning to pornography shows (as misguided as it is) his desire to cope with anxieties that he’s afraid would eventually split us up and
b) He doesn’t want to come to me for sexual needs because he He knows it can feel like a burden to me at time.
10) Apologies
…from both sides,
…whatever you are inspired to apologize for- whatever you feel sincerely sorry for- whatever you want to add to what you’ve already offered.
Apology - Notes
1) Remember that sorrow is about my love for you. Shame is about my hate for me. Know the difference. Your spouse wants your sorrow, not your shame.
2) Consider including apologizing for the light you have insisted on holding your spouse in i.e. selfish, untrustworthy, undependable etc. (See 8b above)
3) Either of you, as moved by the spirit, could guide each your spouse toward something specific you that you don’t think your spouse would mind saying, that would mean a lot to you i.e. “I’d love it if you’d say ‘Honey, I’m so sorry I yelled at you.’” etc.
NOTE: If what your spouse is asking you to apologize for doesn’t completely resonate with you right now, see if there’s something even close that you could apologize for or put this aspect of your conversation on your Request List.
4) Whatever apology is offered needs to be good enough. This is key!!
5) Your apology may sometimes naturally include the following 2 step phrasing: “Can you forgive me?” (wait for an answer), then... “Will you forgive me?”
Fork in the Road
Both Emil Harker and Tony Overbay (my two favorite therapists), suggest advantages to letting the understanding you've just experienced sink in for a day or two before seeking solutions.
Waiting to find a solution tends to train your mind and heart toward love and understanding vs. hearing someone out just to then finally try and get your way. Hence, putting a 1 to 3 day break here before going on can be healing. Rest easy for a while in the understanding you've achieved in this "Love Seat" so far.
I mention "fork in the road" here because dividing up this meeting isn't a rule in stone. If you're feeling warm and trusting inside, and feel confident about brainstorming for solutions (below), go for it. But be honest with yourself. A nice 2 day cruise in the ocean of love and understanding might make the 2nd half of this meeting so much more effective. You decide.
BTW, a good rule of thumb, in general, is to force yourselves away from too much conversation about your relationship (or any issues).
About 90 to 95% of all conversation should have nothing to do your relationship, your expectations, or your disappointments.
4️⃣ Part 4 - Resolve
11) Explore Solutions
U.S.A. Request
This process starts with either one of you suggesting a request, or solution. If it's request, make sure it's U.S.A.
Unloaded - If you’re still too deep inside your story of victim, distrust or disappointment, stop here and go back to the accounting pool. Come back to creating agreements later.
Specific e.g. "Would you be willing to sign up for 2 more months of coaching with John?" vs. "I just want you to try harder."
Affirmative if possible e.g. "Would you be willing to talk about my Mother only with me vs. family or friends?"
🙏 Please Help Me
Whoever is receiving a request can give a “Please Help Me” - Examples:
1) “Honey, for sure, from now on I will start taking out the trash every week. Could I ask one thing of you that would make this easier for me?” [wait for answer]. “Would you make sure you don’t park your car where the trash goes?" or...
2) “If I interrupt you could you please just calmly say, 'Honey, I'd like to finish what I'm saying.' This would really help me." etc.
📜 As Needed, Develop Agreements
a) Your premiere rule of thumb is that, in an exploration of ideas and possibilities, no one is ever wrong- ever. Keep the conversation going.
b) As you seek solutions, lead your soul into the "5 Centering Questions."
💙 What am I willing to do? (the "Pro action question") - This question is my "get out of victim jail card" and brings me "back into my body"- back to my own business (my choices)- not his or hers.
💙 What am I not willing to do, or endure? What am I not comfortable with? What doesn't work for me? This is the "Self Honesty and Self-determination Question" - assisting me in noting where he or she ends and I begin- to experience myself as a distinct and separate person with a willingness to love my neighbor as myself. This question heals me from the illusion of helplessness, returns me to a sense of self-determination and even further out of my victim story.
💙 What do I feel would be the best for everyone, including me? …(the "Win Win" Question) often including a cost/benefit analysis as I review the first 2 questions now through this lens. This question, especially, creates balance and wisdom and opens my heart to win-win possibilities.
💙 What am I not seeing? ...(the "Revelation Question"). What am I not seeing, even in this very moment, as I'm asking this? What's another way of looking at this? (This question invites a more complete view of the situation- moving you away from limited thinking toward even more possible solutions).
💙 What do I want? or What would I like to see happen? (This is the "Perspective Question"- instilling a deeper look at and awareness of your life goals visions). The other 4 questions are viewed through this lens.
c) Set Your Agreement Up for Success
Remove the blocks to what you need from your spouse. Set your agreement up for a success vs. unconsciously testing your spouse’s love and commitment to you. For instance, if you’d like an agreement on your wife greeting your with a hug and kiss when you come home at night, agree to go and find her, rather than expect her to be standing at the door. Read more about this from Dr. John Lund by clicking the + sign below.
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In “For All Eternity” (Part of the CGPS recommended reading), John Lund shares the following: ”...I had the expectation that Bonnie would greet me with a hug and a kiss when I came home. She might remember one out of five days and, of course, I felt miserable and rejected the other four days. Sometimes weeks would go by, and we would finally wind up in tears at 3:00 am- each wondering if we had married the wrong person and each of us feeling inadequate and unappreciated. All of this was due to my expectation of being greeted with a hug and a kiss when I got home. I felt I had clearly and kindly expressed my desire, and yet she did not remember.
Dr. Lund goes on to explain how, instead of continuing to swim around in a story of distrust and rejection, he decided to trust Bonnie’s love and set up a no lose scenario.
We must come to own our... expectations... , Lund explained - So (now) when I came home, I would call out in a loud voice, "I'm home! I'm here for a hug and a kiss." (But) I no longer expected Bonnie to come to me; I went to her, and she was happy to greet me with the kind of affection I needed. After years of marriage, Bonnie still doesn't remember, but I'm not frustrated because I don't expect her to remember. My requiring Bonnie to remember was setting her up for failure, and it was certainly setting me up for frustration. I was making memory the issue and not loving and being loved.
Dr. Lund went further in setting the agreement up for success by eliminating his request for not only Bonnie to remember to greet him with a hug and kiss, but also, to initiate the affection. He finally realized that even if she was just a “great responder”, that would work perfectly. He would initiate the affection.
As he went on to explain, both memory and the expectation were off the table, and what followed was 42 years of success in the “hug and kiss when I get home” issue.
d) Seek Synergistic Solutions (3rd alternatives)... that focus on what you each need and instead of getting hung up on a specific way of supplying this need, keep exploring other ways.
e) Take a Recess if Necessary. You’ve made huge progress. Don’t wear each other out!
f) If You’re Not Making Progress, Do Some More Breakthrough Work... and/or make an appointment for coaching meeting. www.pathofpeace.org/appointment
g) If Applicable and Inspired, Explain Boundaries (Consequences), going forward, and/or a Request Restitution The 5 questions (above), can sometimes lead to explaining how close your spouse is to the edge of a cliff i.e. “Betty, if you have lunch with Barry again, I don’t know what else to do other than consider that you may not be serious about our relationship, which might mean a separation for a while.”
These questions may also inspire a request for restitution (a show of good faith that will increase your trust in your spouse’s sincerity) i.e. a 30 minute foot rub, weekend trip to the lake, favorite meal, or both i.e. “Honey, if you don’t start coming home before 8PM, I may need to got to a movie with some friends, just to take my mind off of it” or “Honey, I hope you don’t mind, but if you keep coming home late, I’m going to need something to offset how bad I feel about it. Some new shoes every time you come home late would be perfect (either you can take me shopping or I’ll just go myself).”
h) Record Your Agreements
Even though most agreements involve both of you, Emil Harker strongly suggests settling your part of the agreement deep in your soul. In this, guide yourself away from Quid Pro Quo sort of thinking i.e. "If you do this, I'll do that."
Agreements are much more fail safe as independent agreements vs. a deal. What you are agreeing to do regardless of what you partner commits to!?
Take a minute to record what you are agreeing to do i.e.
I’m going to work breakthrough before coming with an issue.
If I feel upset with a request you’re making, I’m going to ask clarifying questions.
I will text you or call you for you mutual consent on spending more than $___.
Of course, if going forward, your partner shows bad faith on the agreements he or she is making, that's another conversation. (See Boundaries &/or Restitution, above).
12) Thank Your Partner
Thank your partner for job well done! Pour it on! It’s not easy. 😓💖
13) Review your Personal Agreements Each Week
a) Keep your agreements in writing, in a special place.
b) Review your agreements once a week, ideally at Weekly Inventory (See Ongoing "View" for details)
c) Be conscious of your agreements.
For a less structured issues management guide, please read "Peace Talk" (See Table of Contents)
Source Credits:
"How are your spouses fears a mirror of yours" was inspired by Success Coach, Quin Stevens