Extra possibilities for Nightly Check-In.

You may like some of these ideas, all of them, or none of them! The overarching key is to be open, creative and willing do whatever it takes to strengthen your friendship with your spouse. BTW, If there’s anything you do in your Nightly Check-In that you love (that isn’t here), we’d love to hear about it so we could list it below. Please write to johncanaan@gmail.com.


Discussing Uplifting Content

Reading uplifting content together can create a wonderful dimension to getting to know each other. As you read or listen to uplifting content (on your walk, or while doing dishes- whatever your Nightly Check-In looks like), share feelings, experiences and insights about what you're reading or listening to. This will provide a better view into your soul for your spouse.


Suggestions for Uplifting Content


When reading together, pause from time to time and ask each other questions and/or share your impressions i.e. “What do you think of what he’s saying here?” or “I love this is because _____” etc. Remember to always make (or apply) what you're listening to about yourself, not your spouse.

  • A friend of mine (Sandy) recently shared with me, “John my husband doesn’t like chit chat. He’s never been that kind of person, yet, our relationship is thriving right now by reading and talking about scriptures together. In fact, before I left for work this morning, he said to me, “There is such a look of love in your face Sandy. It is something I don’t think I would have recognized without my heart being softened by reading scriptures with you.”


Couple Care (i.e. Back Rubs, Brushing Hair etc.)

“Couple Care” means combining uplifting content with back rubs, foot rubs, brushing hair, ticking back or arm etc. while listening and talking about uplifting content.

This can be before, after, or during Nightly Check-In, anywhere from 2 to 7 nights a week (whatever your goal is).

You may want to set a timer for 5 minutes, twice. While one reads and sort of conducts the conversation, the other gives him or her a foot rub, back rub, arm tickling, hair brushing etc.

You could also just sit close to each other on a couch and take in some uplifting content and/or watch the sun set.

Other Options

Sometimes it's better to say nothing at all

Kirk and Kim Duncan suggest that if you've had a particularly tough day you may want to skip “Nightly Check-In” all together, or, supplement it with what they call the "Sway."

  • a) Pick a romantic song with a good slow-dance beat. Dance should last 3 minutes i.e. (Click above - “When You Say Nothing at All.”

    b) "Sway" (Hold each other and just sway back and forth like you were at a high school dance).

    c) Look into each other's eyes (at first), even if you've wanted to pour sour milk on each other 2 minutes earlier. That's O.K. just force yourself to do it at least for 20 seconds. You don't have to smile. You don't have to be cute or even romantic. Just be present to each other.

    After a bit, if you’d rather turn down the lights all the way and/or position your heads side to side (as pictured above), that’s pretty cool too.

    d) In either event, eye to eye or with your faces side to side (or even with your wife’s head on your shoulder) consider asking God to assist you in a "Guided Tour" - a tour through your spouse’s soul- his or her feelings, what he or she is all about, his or her values, dreams & frustrations- all shown to you (at least in your heart) by simply sharpening your presence and maintaining your focus. God will do the rest..

    e) Most important:  Don't talk!  Nothing! (I know it’s weird, ‘cause all this time we’ve been stressing “chit chat.” But everything has it’s place.

Assurance ritual

An Assurance Ritual can be helpful in the aftermath of a crises of trust. I call it a “ritual” because the words you share are so important that you are willing to share them over and over, as part of a ritual effort to give comfort.

This can be done either weekly at Weekly Inventory or daily at Nightly Check-In.

Note that an "Assurance" ritual isn't just for fidelity issues. You can assure other things that have also been in crises i.e.

Examples

1) For anything related to infidelity or pornography - “I’ve been 100% faithful to you this week (or “today”) and I have loved it and I love you.”

2) If your spouse is experiencing a long-term crises of feeling unappreciated or overwhelmed, every night for a week or two, or month or two (or perhaps forever), focus especially on what you appreciate and how grateful you are for all he or she is doing, for example: “I wanted to tell you also tonight, that I’ve been so thankful for _____________” or…

3) for overwhelm… "I want you to know that I’m always here for you, in whatever way I can possibility be. I love supporting you and look forward to you letting me know how.”

4) If your spouse is having a crises in confidence (i.e. new job, self esteem doubts etc.), focus each night on emphasizing his or her talents, amazing attributes, even his or her willingness to keep at it, for example - “Something I’m so proud of you for lately is_________________” etc.

Deep Dives

Deep dives are something you can add to Nightly Check-in, Date night, or Private Retreat.


🧅 Stream of Consciousness

…meaning asking your spouse for his or her special attention while you go deep in your exploration of something. In other words, he or she becomes sort of a witness to your own inner conversation which can include fears, dreams, struggles, breakthroughs not related to your relationship (unless it’s about weaknesses you’re discovering about yourself).

Try to conclude your share with what you’re going to do about what you’re sharing- even if it’s just “I know that God is able to show me a way out of this. I’m going to meditate on this. I know I can arrive on some solutions” or “that I can get better at _________ ) etc.”

This will... a) keep you from cycling and b) keep your spouse from offering solutions, which usually isn't a good idea anyway, unless you're asking.


🧅 State of the Soul

Another “deep dive” format is called “State of the Soul.”

Instructions: Use the sentence starter below to share your “State of the Soul” with your spouse.

  • Here's what my life feels like lately and/or

  • Here's where my heart is- my desires, my fears, my hopes and dreams and/or

  • Here's what I struggle with, but also, what I hope for, even inside the struggle.

Family Check-In (and Other Family Rituals)

This can be done during your weekly family planning meetings, or during dinner, and/or just before everyone goes to bed). This can be in person (for younger families) or on a video call for empty nesters, or a combination of both. This meeting can be as short as 4 to 10 minutes or much longer, depending on your needs, preferences & willingness.

Set up
1) Determine when your Family Check-Ins will be and and how long you’d like to spend in each meeting (ideally) and perhaps a weekly goal i.e. seven times a week? once? three? etc.

2) Determine who will conduct the meetings. This can be a parent or you could rotate through the family, or just decide once you’re together i.e. “O.K. who wants to conduct?”

Family Check-In Instructions
1) Pick a Nightly Check-In question (ideally, have them printed out).

2) Going around the circle, each person shares his or her answer to the question i.e. “The Breakthrough I had today was _______.” However, if someone doesn’t want the question for the night, he or she could pick another i.e. Annie may say “One thing I learned to day was _______.”

Note: If your family is willing to spend more time, anyone can jump in with “Tell me more about _______” in response to a family member’s share.

Optional (Family Check-In Deeper Dive)
3) Whoever would like to could share an inspirational thought, story and/or quote and give his or her perspective or feelings on this thought or quote. There could be as many shares along this line as you’d like, depending on your time budget and commitment.

Pray and/or Meditate
4) Pray together and/or spend a minute or so meditating- first getting fully into the present (i.e. breath awareness), then each each family member spending a moment in private vision of something he or she would like to see happen in his or her life. In today’s world, we really can’t get enough meditation and/or pray.

Click Here for More on Family Rituals