Couples GPS

Relationship Rescue - Quick Start

Introduction

The 4 steps below are excerpts from Couples GPS and appear here for quick start use. These steps are intended to launch simultaneously but are numbered here to indicate slight differences in priority.

Step 1 - Relationship Cleanse

For 3 to 7 consecutive days (you decide how many days), do not talk about your relationship or any sensitive subjects. If you slip up, start your days again.

Please click here now for the whole story.

What is a “Request List?”

A Request List is a private list of issues and specific requests. You can use a little notebook for this or a list app on your phone such as todoist or google docs. Later in Couples GPS, we’ll talk the best way to make a specific request. For now (during your “Quick Start”), just keep a a private list of issues and possible requests (for your eyes only).


Launching Your "Request List Protocol"

💛 Sit knee to knee with your spouse.

💛 Putting your right hand on his or her heart (or holding his or her hands in yours)… “_________________ (spouses name) From now on, my upsets go to God and/or my Request List. My love and my specific requests go to you.
It’s not that I don’t think we’ll need to talk things through at times- It’s that through using a Request List I am training my mind to first connect with my trust in your love and then talk through issues. I look forward to many peaceful conversations, where, absent of accusation and judgement, we can discover where we might have gotten lost and how best to return to each other.”

💛 Tonight or before the next meeting, take a 10 to 30 minute walk. Talk about the “Request-List Protocol” and “Relationship Cleanse." Talk about what’s struck you about all of this. Make your share just about you- your feelings and perspective with zero implications about your spouse.

Initially (for your Quick Start), all you need to know is above. When you’re ready, click here for a deeper understanding of the “Request List Protocol.”

Nightly Check-In

Nightly Check-In, consistently pursued, 1) strengthens the bond of your friendship and marriage and 2) provides a forum for guiding each other toward greater marital satisfaction.

This is ideally done on a walk but can be as brief as a few minutes while getting ready for bed at night.



Part 1) Chit Chat

a) Spouse 1 (either one of you) asks a "Chit-Chat" question i.e. “So what was the best part of your day?” (See other questions below.)

b) Spouse 2 answers.

c) Spouse 1 offers some validation i.e. “Wow, that’s cool!” or "Interesting!”, or “Tell me more about _______ etc.

d) Spouse 1 then shares on the same subject i.e. “The best part of my day was ______”) or Spouse 2, asks the same question i.e. "What was the best part of your day." (Either way is great.)

e) Spouse 1 or 2 asks another question, or shares an answer to another question i.e. “What did you learn today” or “What I learned today was________. How about you- what did you learn?” etc.



During Your “Relationship Cleanse”…

....steer clear of all issues, implications, disappointments, grievances etc. We’ll get to that in our meetings and after your cleanse.


What "Chit-Chat" Is All About

It’s easy to gravitate to issues, upcoming obligations, complaints etc. The questions below are to guide you to dedicated chit-chat at least 5 nights a week. Any of these questions can lead to more chit-chat and sometimes you only need one. But other nights, if you're not feeling as chatty, but want to keep it going (which is wonderful), go for another question or two. I’ve been married to Narelle for many years and we still use these questions.

If you'd like, you can "pass" on a question or "Would you ask me another one?"

  1. What was the best part of the day? or

  2. What went well for you today (what worked for you) - how and/or why? or

  3. What didn’t go well for you today or what do you wish you would have done differently?

  4. What did you learn today? ...or, did you have any breakthroughs?

  5. What’s something you’re grateful for, appreciate, or like about me, yourself or anything?

  6. What is something you are proud of, with yourself, with me or one of our kids (and why)?

  7. How did something turn out to be different than you thought?

  8. Who inspired you today, and how? (or who did you inspire and how)

  9. What’s one hard thing you’ve done lately, and you’re glad you did it?


After your “Relationship Cleanse” (Step 1) click here for the complete Nightly Check-In which includes chit chat and making requests of each other."

Step 4) Managing Incoming (Share Your Good News)


Sharing Good News with Your Spouse

Request List Protocol, Relationship Cleanse & Nightly Check-In are the perfect recipe for peace and for strengthening your friendship and your marriage.

Please note that this program is for you, not your spouse. Her involvement is her business and it’s not your job to keep him or her on track. It is your job to train your mind toward proactive and peaceful responses. In this sense, Managing Incoming requires pre-support- support you probably won’t get in the heat of a conflict.  This support It starts with sharing your "Good News."


Instructions
Wait for a quiet moment. Invite your spouse to give you his or her attention for a few minutes. Sit next to him or her, take his hands in yours and read the statements below to him or her, looking into his or her eyes as much as possible:


”_________ (spouses name) I want to give you some very important and very good news. It's in 3 parts:  

1) I have never been more committed. No question about it. I'm here for you and when you need to talk I’m going to listen- even when it’s hard, I’m going to do my very best to hear you.

2) Even better news; When I am uncomfortable with our communication (no matter who's fault it is), or if I’m low in emotional space, I will let you know and we will have to either get to a peaceful conversation or come back to the issue later.

3) In any event, we will work through every issue we have, one by one- coming back to an issue (if necessary) as many times as it takes until we have something that works for both of us.”


This 3 point promise is core to managing incoming. Please share this with each other as much as needed.

Get Familiar & Practice using “Incoming” Brief Statements

If your spouse is triggered and the lava begins to flow and if you feel ready and willing to quietly and lovingly listen, you will both be blessed. But if you don’t have the emotional space you feel you need- if you don’t feel ready for input, complaints or criticism, here are some examples of brief statements that can assist you in putting off the conversation until you’re ready.


Brief Statements (Examples)

0) “I’m so sorry if I said anything to offend you, but I really want to complete our cleanse. Could we come back to this after the cleanse?”

1) “I’m flooded” or “I’m uncomfortable with what I’m feeling” or “I’m not feeling well. Could we come back to this in a while?” (i.e. 30 minutes, tomorrow, or with our coach or “Could we do a Love Seat this Sunday? )"

2) “Would you like to join me for 5 minutes of meditation and then we'll see if we can talk?"
After 5 minutes you can decide, fresh, whether you feel able and willing to listen (Option 1: Clear the Landing) or not.
The magic of this choice is your spouse not feeling abandoned, while at the same time, instantly creating peace.

3) "I'm going to get some time out" or "“I’m sorry, I’m going to get some french fries. I’ll be back.”

What I’ve included here is sufficient for moving head on “Managing Incoming.” For the complete story, click here.

If You’ve Been Contemplating Divorce…

Please click here to read “Face Into the Wind.”

Onward

Once you’ve completed your Quick Start (7 to 10 days), click here to pursue the entire Couples GPS course. This link (pathofpeace.org/one) is the home page for everything related to CGPS.