3 to 7 Day Relationship Cleanse
You can’t start on reconstruction until you can get the fire out
What
For 3 to 7 consecutive days (you decide how many days), do not talk about your relationship or any sensitive subjects. If you slip up, start your days again.
Why
Relationship Cleanse is to cleanse your relationship from a toxic build-up of relationship and issues conversations i.e. disappointments, disagreements, who's right, who's wrong, who's fault it is, why your partner isn’t cooperating with your plan for his or her life etc.
Without realizing it, you may be to some degree, addicted to conflict, strife, trying to change your spouse, being disappointed with him or her, pouting when things don’t go your way, defending yourself when your spouse is disappointed with you etc.
All this kind of fight or flight (reptilian brain stuff, as some call it) is part of a primal wiring in your body. You are wired to survive, and love is the answer- it's how you survive.
Because of this- in your fear of not being loved, you disconnect from your awareness of your partner’s love and drift slowly into seeing him, not as a person, but as the reason for your anxiety and unhappiness.
What am I saying? You have become more and more addicted to getting him or her to come through for you in a way that will make you feel appreciated, loved, and safe.
Of course, that's why you committed to your spouse in the first place- because you imagined he or she would take away your insecurities. But the more he or she let you down, the more you developed an addiction to reacting, complaining, controlling etc. to guarantee your success in getting him or her to come through for you. 😮
In your fear of not having the love, validation, and safety you need, you developed a habit of focusing on and talking about what's going wrong, your frustration, your disappointment etc. This is a lot of toxic communication and talking about your relationship (in this sense) results in not having one.
The more you talk about your insistence on things going your way, the further apart you will feel from each other and the less inclined you will each be to actually provide what you each need, finally- leading to the collapse of your relationship.
The Relationship Cleanse serves as a reset button for your brain- freeing you from fight, flight, complaints and control and encouraging you to interact with each other as people and friends!
Not talking about your relationship can be challenging. You will be tempted to end this cleanse many times each day.
If you drift into a conversation about your relationship or a sensitive issue say, “I’m really committed to our cleanse and I don’t want to start over, so I’m going to take a little walk and get some time out.” If your spouse follows you, either walk faster or even run faster.
Make sure you have a pre-agreement on any timeouts i.e. to come back within 30 to 60 minutes. At that point you could give your spouse a hug, maybe pray together, watch something funny on T.V.- whatever you can do to get back into the swing of the cleanse. Repeating this process over and over could become necessary. If you need assistance click here to make an appointment with me (John).
How to do a “Relationship Cleanse”
1) For 3 to 7 days, completely avoid conversations or comments about...
⚡ Expectations and/or disappointments.
⚡ Where you’d like to see your relationship in 5 years.
⚡ What went wrong between you &/or who’s fault it is.
⚡ What your spouse doesn’t understand.
⚡ What you need from your spouse.
⚡ Your spouse’s feelings i.e. “What’s wrong Honey?”
⚡ Anything that could even imply disappointment regarding your spouse's performance or character.
Note: You can talk about your own feelings, so long as it’s not about your relationship and doesn’t implicat your spouse in any way i.e. “I just feel like my life is out of balance lately”. Read what to talk about below (See the purple hearts).
2) If you have an issue that’s time sensitive, meet with your coach, or put it on your Request List to talk about after the cleanse.
3) As much as you practically can, text all operational requests to spouse. i.e. “Could you pick up the dry cleaning on the way home from work?”, or “Would you turn up the heat?,” “Could you bring the trash cans back in?” etc. Do not make any verbal operational requests (not to mention, personal ones).
If texting is just too hard, consider prefacing verbal, operational requests with either…
a) “Can I make a request?” or
b) “Incoming” (then wait for “cleared”) or
c) “Sweetheart, would you be so kind as to _______ (i.e. “take the garbage out” ) etc. or some other super sweet, kind way of making your request.
Why is this rule #3 of the cleanse so important?
The Relationship Cleanse is a training in expanding the space between stimulus and response (particularly the space between your upset feelings and your comment). But even more, this cleanse will create the space needed to maintain your view of your spouse as cherished and beloved, vs. an employee or roomate. Everything you ask ought to be couched in a reverence for each moment on earth you spend together.
This aspect of the cleanse (#3) may seem extreme but it’s sort of a Karate Kid, “Wax On, Wax Off” moment. Trust the coming results.
Just for a while, you’re training yourself to stop for a moment before making requests. Learning to pause for a moment, before making an operational request gives you a chance to consider your spouse. What’s he or she in the middle of? Would it work out better to ask this later? Might it be better if you asked someone else or even did it yourself? Just this exercise (Rule 3) will assist you in becoming more mindful of your spouse’s world!
More importantly, training yourself to pause even with something incidental will increase the likelihood of pausing when it’s something significant or sensitive.
4) For 3 to 7 Consecutive Days, talk about:
💜 The weather.
💜 History.
💜 Favorite childhood memories.
💜 Common interests.
💜 T.V shows.
💜 Movies.
💜 Your siblings, parents, your kids (as long as there is zero implication of your spouse's poor performance).
💜 Health issues.
💜 Favorite foods. Remember when you were dating? (before getting married). What did you talk about?
💜 The Brendon Show (with Brendon Burchard) - Seriously, you cannot get enough of this guy!
💜 Tony Robbins - Click here for endless positive, inspiring podcasts about everything.
💜 Watch and Discuss “The Chosen” (It’s so good!)
and/or use some "Chit-Chat" Questions from "Nightly Check-In" (which we’ll talk more about later) i.e.
💜 What was the best part of the day? or
💜 What went well for you today (what worked for you) - how and/or why? or
💜 What didn’t go well for you today or what do you wish you would have done differently? (and this isn’t about our relationship. It’s just about you)
A "Relationship Cleanse" is a wonderful alternative to the stale, day to day diet of issues, misunderstanding and disappointment. Note that part of your goal with this is more conversation, not less.
5) During your cleanse, list all issues, tentative requests & sensitive matters on a Request List which we’ll talk more about later.
6) At the end of each day, if you mutually decide you made it, start the next day (i.e. "Day 2). If you mutually decide you didn’t quite make it, start at day 1 the next day. If one of you concludes you didn’t make it, be encouraging! Be compassionate with each other. You can always give yourself some mulligans or switch to a 3 day challenge if you feel the need.
Note: The Relationship Cleanse (not discussing issues) is something you will want to continue to do on all date nights, even after your initial cleanse.
Launch (Step by step)
1) Copy this “Launch” section to a google doc. Print it and and fill in the blank on the number of days you’re going for. [3 days minimum. If you would like to become Yoda, go for more days- up to 7.]
2) Sit close to each other, face to face, and take turns making your commitment:
“_________ (your spouse’s name), I promise that I will not talk about our relationship- including expectations, disappointments, hurt, frustrations or any sensitive subjects for ___ consecutive days. If I fall off the wagon, I promise to get immediately back on. I look forward to getting to know you better during this time.”
_______________________________ _______________________________
Spouse’s Promise in Writing (Signature) Spouse’s Promise in Writing (Signature)
Note: Keeping your promise on this is especially important if you are at a workshop i.e. during breaks etc.
3) Post your agreement on your refrigerator. 🧾
4) After launch, take a 10 to 30 minute walk with your spouse to talk about your Relationship Cleanse
Talk about something that has struck with you as you've come to understand the Relationship Cleanse.
Make your share just about you - your feelings and perspective. Nothing you say should imply anything about your spouse. Do not comment on each other’s shares tonight other than some nods, and maybe a little “Yes, I understand,” or “Mm hmm” and/or “Thanks for sharing this with me.” Nothing more.
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1) There might be a couple of moments in a day where you almost fall off the program- maybe a look, or a comment that maybe carried some implication etc. It doesn’t have to be a 100% grand slam for you to say to each other “we basically made it today.”2) If your spouse wants to know how he might have blown it that day, just let him or her know that you love him, and that you’re so thankful he or she is trying and that he or she can see you after the cleanse for any notes.
3) The relationship cleanse isn’t about having less conversation. It’s about having MORE, just not about your relationship. See Nightly Check-In Questions for ideas on chit chat.
4) This can be done as a couple, or solo i.e. “Honey, I’ve been reading about Relationship Cleanse and I’ve decided to do this for 7 days. Here’s the link to it. I’d love for you to join me. It’s totally up to you, but I’m doing it no matter what.” IMPORTANT NOTE: Your cleanse does not mean you are not allowing your spouse to talk about your relationship, or his or her disappointments etc. It means that you aren’t talking about your relationship. If he or she wants to talk and if you feel you have the emotional space to listen, then listen. More on this in “Managing Incoming.”
5) A relationships cleanse doesn’t mean to stuff your feelings. It means that for a time, you will take your upset, hurt, and disappointment to that one being who is willing and wanting to hear you at all times - God. After your cleanse we will learn Managing Incoming, the Articles of Peace and Love Seat. With even a basic understanding of these, you will experience a sense of peace in your relationship like never before
6) For time-sensitive issues during a cleanse, book an additional coaching meeting - www.pathofpeace.org/appointment.
7) During a cleanse you can talk about issues you have with yourself i.e. regrets regarding your own performance, goals you haven’t achieved, fears, questions about life, religious or spiritual questions or feelings etc. In this, just be super careful to not say anything that could implicate your partner.
Keep it close to the heart! There really is so much to share about yourself. You just don't remember how because you've spent years talking, not about yourself, but about him or her, or “us”!
8) After your initial cleanse, you can do maintenance cleanses (2 to 3 consecutive days) as needed, and as mutually agreed, as long as there is always more communication, not less, because of the cleanse. Description text goes here
This picture is from the point of view of a person who does not like the idea of relationship cleanse (in this case, the young girl pictured). This is what it feels like from her point of view- like Brian just doesn’t want to talk about their issues.