Defcom Ratings

Suggested conversations for different levels of Sensitivity

Defcom 1 "Love Seat"

Scripted version of Articles of Peace for even more volatile (all hell could break loose) conversations Love Seat (Full Version) / Love Seat (Simple Version)

Defcom 2 "Peaceful Conversation"

The basics (the “Keys) of a peaceful, marriage-building, conversation around a sensitive subject, or an issue to work out.

Defcom 3 "Nightly Check-In"

NCI serves as some fun get to know you, couple-building time that also includes an opportunity to guide each other in how to come through for each other even better. Different than Defcom 4 ("off the cuff"), this is for making a request on an issue that could be wee bit sensitive, or something you're needing to bring up sort of over and over.

Defcom 4 - Off the Cuff

A significant request made off the cuff (not during “Nightly Check-In” or “Weekly Inventory”), but bearing in mind the 6 Steps of Making a Request. I wouldn't make too many of these. They can feel like an ambush and may wear your spouse down. Keep in mind Gottman's 5 to 1 policy (5 positives for any one, potentially negatives exchanges).

Change paradox

Note that in managing issues, you're committed to cultivating an environment for change. Ironically, for your love to thrive you must release (at the same time) your agenda for him or her to change.

Commit to the cultivating of your garden and let go of your insistence about whether anything is growing, or how fast it's growing etc. Tend to your garden, not your agenda.